The Unpleasant, Dark Side of HR That You Absolutely Must Embrace If You Want to Be Successful…

By Alan Collins

I’m not going to beat around the bush.

Let me get right to the point.  No BS.  No dinking around.

There’s a brutally unpleasant dark side of being an HR professional.

You know it.

And I know it.

And here it is…

No matter what you do,
someone is going to criticize and
distrust you — and many will hate you,
even if they don’t know your name.

That’s the reality.

It comes with the territory.

And there are lots of reasons why.

*     *     *

First of all,
if you’re doing your HR job well,
your actions will directly and
negatively affect the personal livesdreamsambitions and the
livelihoods of every single
employee in your

That’s a fact.

For example, in staffing situations, for every one person that is thrilled to be hired or promoted, you’re often the bad guy that has to call up and dash the career hopes of six to ten others by letting them know they didn’t get the job.

In job eliminations, you are often the last person that terminated employee sees and talks to about all the great benefits the company will no longer be providing to them and their family, now that they’ve been whacked.

Your inside knowledge about that planned layoff, those anticipated cutbacks in the health care plan, that business that is about to be sold off or that outsourcing decision that will wipe out an entire department — all of which can affect the peace of mind, families and the paychecks of many of your closest non-HR colleagues — puts you in a position to keep secrets, sidestep the truth, come across as coldly objective or seem distrustful because you cannot reveal what you know.

That’s part of your job.

But that’s not all.

*     *     *

your HR role often requires
you to deliver bad news.

For example, saying no to a manager who wants give an “out-of-guidelines” increase to her indispensable, superstar employee who has just been offered a huge salary increase at another company.

Or disappointing a powerful executive who is hellbent on terminating an employee immediately, but hasn’t followed the proper progressive disciplinary due process guidelines and hasn’t afforded the employee the opportunity to correct their performance.

In these situations, most great leaders will respect your stance.

However, a few deep down will blame you for throwing a monkey wrench into their plans and serving as a bureaucratic speed bump to the success of their business.

This comes with the territory.

But, of course, that’s not all.

*     *     *

some people may not even hold
a grudge against you personally.
They just hate your guts because
they had a run-in with someone else
in HR over a mistake made
years ago.

It could be that an error was made in their merit increase, dental program deductible or the effective date of their promotion — individual situations that happened long before you even came on the scene.

But you’re guilty by association and held responsible because “you’re HR.”

These are honest mistakes that are made every day in business. However, to quote Sue Meisinger, the former CEO of SHRM…

When your finance counterparts make a mistake, they’ll just redo the spread sheet.

When marketing screws up, they’ll simply redesign the campaign.

When the sales group miss their quota, they focus on the next quarter.

When R&D fails to discover or develop a new product, they’ll just try again.

But unlike these other groups, if HR makes a mistake, it’s very personal and will sour the individual on the HR department (and YOU) for years.

*     *     *

the spinelessly weak managers
in your organization don’t
do you any favors either.

They often deal with their employee or workplace problems by saying that “HR said…” or “HR won’t let us…”

What a crock of crap.

This approach undermines the HR group and allows them to shift responsibility to you for their actions. After all, they’ll say, HR determines pay. HR determines job titles. HR set the policy that led to your termination.

So, it’s therefore HR’s fault.

I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get the point.

It doesn’t matter how phenomenal you are as an HR professional — even if you’re the best HR guy or gal on planet earth, respected and valued by the CEO and the executive team in your organization — you’re still going to be unpopular among many employees and managers who blame YOU for what happens to them on the job.

Again, that’s just the brutal truth about our role.

Unfortunately, some of my former colleagues have allowed this “dark side” of HR to drive them from our profession.

Don’t YOU fall into this trap.

Accept these realities.

But besides just acceptance, what should you do to deal effectively with them?

Here are just a few thoughts.

*     *     *

1. Strive for respect, not approval.

Your own success in HR happens when your personal HR brand stands for trustworthiness, reliability and credibility, not the number of people who agree with every little thing you do.

Build this kind of reputation for yourself, whether your HR department has it or not.

The world’s most reputable and successful HR leaders accept the reality that some decisions will be unpopular. And that means not promising what you can’t deliver or making commitments just to be liked or to make people happy.

If you can’t handle others’ disapproval, then HR probably isn’t for you. Trying to be everyone’s friend is a futile and selfish effort — and is impossible.

*     *     *

2. Replace no’s with options (lots of them), whenever you can.

Let’s say your client is freaking out over his three best people and wants to increase their pay beyond reason, in order to retain them.

In this case, don’t respond with just a flat out no.

Meet with him on his turf to brainstorm alternative, creative solutions that address his real need: retention.

For example, could you keep these top performers by creating an opportunity to improve their skills so they might be promoted (with higher pay) more quickly? Can you restructure their jobs to give them even more recognition, freedom and autonomy in making decisions? Can you enhance their work life by providing flexible work schedules, remote working arrangements or more time off?

Strive for win/win solutions. It’s not always possible, but work hard with your clients to come up with alternatives that both you and they can embrace.

*     *     *

3. Focus on what you can change.

Ignore the noise from those who are complaining because they had a bad HR experience or know someone who did. Instead focus on those things within your control or that you can change.

If you’ve discovered that you’re suddenly someone’s enemy, look back at the series of events that led up to this strain in your relationship.

You may discover that somewhere along the way, you screwed up. If so, fess up and apologize. And keep moving. Ultimately it will be your willingness to admit mistakes and keep a cool head that serves both their interests and the company’s.

*     *     *

4. Forget revenge.

Life’s too short.  We’re all human and there may be clients who bring out your worst instincts. Just as it’s important that you do not play favorites, it’s also important that you resist the urge to retaliate against someone who has pissed you off.

You’re asking for trouble if you go after people with the attitude that “I’m going to make them pay!” Even if you win and that person quits (or is terminated), word spreads and you’ll never be trusted again. When that happens, you might as well leave too.

Model forgiveness and, to a responsible extent, forgetfulness.

Be an example yourself of supporting a workplace where people are expected to make mistakes and in which it’s safe to be human.

You can do this by treating screw ups as teachable moments and learning experiences that everyone can benefit from.

Cut others slack and they’ll return the favor when you slip up…which you will do.

*     *     *

5. Let people vent, but don’t get pushed around.

In the article Don’t Call Me HR, RJ Morris tells the story of attending a meeting with a stressed out Operations executive named Jim whose business wasn’t doing well and who wanted to make job cuts. The meeting had operations, senior executives, finance, HR and others in the room.

During the meeting this executive would drop in statements like: “Well, if HR would let us do this the right way, we’d be done with this already..” or “HR won’t let us make the changes we want make…” In doing so, he was blaming HR for not letting him make the people changes he was seeking.

Todd, the head of HR (RJ’s boss at the time), was in the meeting and let him go on for a while. But then finally he had heard enough and said:

“Jim, who exactly are you talking about when you say “HR?” I am confused. Is someone here named HR? Are you talking about me? Is that it? Let’s do this, Jim. We’ll get through this together if we act like adults. Don’t call me HR. Call me Todd. We’ve given you good advice. You’re angry about it. That’s fine. Disagree with me, but don’t depersonalize who we are as advisors to you. I’m Todd, you’re Jim. If you have an issue with my advice, have the guts to call me by my name. I’m not Corporate; I’m not HR. I’m just trying to help you out of your bad business deal.”

To be fair, I’m not an advocate of calling people out and smacking them down in a meeting in front of their peers, especially when you can do it in private.

But I’m also not an advocate of being disrespected either.

Sometimes you must make a stand in favor of a value or principle.

In doing this, some people are bound to take it very personally and believe you’re taking a stand against them. And I’m sorry, that can’t be helped.

Successful HR leaders stand up for themselves, their values, stand up against toxic and truly cruel managers and gain respect from others because they take the most important stand of all — the stand they take in front of the mirror.

Finally, here’s a big one…

*     *     *

6. Embrace HR’s larger purpose.

As an HR professional, what really drives you should be your unwavering desire to help your organization get better results through people.

Read that sentence again, because…that’s why you get paid.

Despite all the crap you take, it’s a noble calling.

It’s a great way to make a living.

So stick your chest out and wear that badge proudly. Don’t let others extinguish your flame.

Despite the negatives, what you can do as an HR professional to impact peoples’ lives in a positive way is immense.

You help to develop and execute strategies that make your business successful, which in turn creates jobs for lots of people.

You ensure employees are rewarded fairly enabling them to provide a life for their families they can be proud of.

And you help provide a workplace that’s engaging, productive and where talented people can thrive and achieve their dreams.

HR, like any calling, has thrills, challenges and frustrations. So prepare to be hated, but remember that most haters don’t matter. So don’t permit yourself to be a “victim” because of misplaced blame or because someone just doesn’t understand what HR does.

The ones who DO matter will sincerely appreciate your leadership and will value your guidance — especially if you prove reliable, consistent and trustworthy.

Let THEM be your source of motivation.

And just embrace the dark side as part of your role.

And you’ll do just fine.


The above was excerpted from the book, Best Kept HR Secrets.

Please add your own thoughts or comments below by clicking HERE. 


For a more short, to-the-point, No BS, stone cold truths for getting ahead in HR,  check out: BEST KEPT HR SECRETS: 400 Most Powerful Tips For Thriving At Work, Making Yourself Indispensable & Attaining Outrageous Success in Human Resources.  Get MORE INFORMATION by going HERE.

About the author: Alan Collins is Founder of Success in HR, Inc. and the author of a variety of best selling books for HR professionals including BEST KEPT HR SECRETS.  He was formerly Vice President – Human Resources at PepsiCo where he led HR initiatives for their Quaker Oats, Gatorade and Tropicana businesses.

32 Responses to “The Unpleasant, Dark Side of HR That You Absolutely Must Embrace If You Want to Be Successful…”

  1. Ken Somers Says:

    Thanks Alan. As usual, a useful article, particularly for those who are still early in their HR careers. Above all else, I think your most important nugget was “strive for respect, not approval”.

    Standing up for the right thing in a situation cost me a job once. I remember it vividly (and just a bit painfully) to this day. But you know, I have self-respect (which is even more important) because I know I did the right thing and delivered news a leader did not want to hear.

    Be strong people!

  2. OLADAPO Says:

    Wow. These are everyday issues Alan. Thank you for your thoughts on how to deal with them.

  3. Liz Martin Says:

    This article is BRILLIANT and very relevant to conversations we’ve had as a team this week.

    I am particularly passionate about not being referred to as “HR” – I am a person, with a name (and feelings), and always take the opportunity to remind people of that (in a friendly way of course!).

    Thank you Alan – you’re amazing.

  4. Faith Says:

    wow, thats the so true and real. It actually speaks of my day to day life as a HR person. As you have put it, its a noble cause. To thers in this profession lets ‘stick our chest out and wear that badge proudly’.

  5. Dr. Grace Says:

    As stated by others, this is an excellent article. It should motivate us all. I like your recommendation about providing options. In some cases this will help you demonstrate your strategic business skills. I love the HR career but there is a dark side. However the organization will not be sustainable without the strategic HR leader next to the CEO and CFO.

  6. Anne Nkungula Says:

    This is indeed a great article. The challenges HR professionals face are the same in all geographies. One thing I have learned over the years is that you need to establish your identity from the day you join an organization. Trust and respect are key to the success of our work. HR is surely a calling. Very few people will appreciate the value of our role.

  7. Ricardo Orozco Says:

    Thanks Alan , after 40 years of doing this I find this article right on target !!!!
    Thanks for sharing ………..

  8. Anderson Bazile Says:

    This is one of the best articles I have read it’s so true. An HR professional job is like the weather you never know, the people and the situations can change daily.

    Regional Human Resource Manager

  9. Oluwole Joseph Says:

    This is so real and true. These are everyday issues in the field of HR.

    Thanks Alan.

  10. Kevin J. epley Says:

    Excellent read! One of the best, top five, of my several hundred reads in 2018! Great reminder for the seasoned veteran in HR and the new, or novice, HR professional just getting started. Can’t wait to read the book from which this short read came from. Thank you.

  11. Laura Davis Says:

    Non-HR folk should also read this and take it to heart. We are all in this together, and we all have valuable roles to play. Make friends with the HR gurus – they have a lot to teach us – if we will listen!

  12. Peter Johnson Says:

    I can relate to much of this article. Leading a HR team is a challenging but fulfilling role but one where you have to make those hard decisions and give that unwelcome advice.

  13. Baseer Farahi Says:

    HR is the only department you work with people and for people but in the end majority of the staff are not happy from HR people due to different HR polices implemented by HR. The Dark side of HR is better understood by HR experts however making right decisions based on polices is always good option. Thank You Alan for sharing the article.

  14. David Koh Says:

    Bright side: when they needs you, they called you SIR!
    Dark side: when they don’t need you, they will see you in MOM! LOL
    I am very motivated by those grateful, sincere, hardworking staffs and hope for more jewels in mankind.

  15. JoAnn M Cherrington Says:

    There doesn’t have to be a dark side to HR. If you treat people with respect, compassion, and empathy while helping them accept the decision & the impact it may have on their personal situation that’s the first step. Next, help open the door to see the possibilities that lie ahead of them – the future is limitless. That’s when you know you have found your calling in HR. We can be both the catalyst and the bridge to help others be the best version of themselves they can be, and set the example by being the best HR professionals we can be.

  16. JoAnn M Cherrington Says:

    There doesn’t have to be a dark side to HR. If you treat people with compassion, empathy, and respect while helping them see the possibilities for the future, you will have more raving fans than dissenters. HR pros that take the time to communicate the “why” no matter what the situation, improve the results for the individual and the organization.

  17. Alan Says:

    Joann, well articulated and thoughtful. I agree, there doesn’t have to be a dark side. I love the points you’ve made. Couldn’t agree more. Thanks for taking time to share them. Much appreciated. -Alan

  18. Andrea Low Yi Lan Says:

    This article is well written. I have been in HR since 1995 and can’t deny the points mentioned are true.
    It’s very important that as HR professionals, we need to know the purpose why we are hired is to help Company and employees moving towards positive directions. No matter what happen, never give up and never forget the purpose.

  19. Brian Wallace Says:

    Alan, This was very well written. In the end, it’s about respecting yourself for the work you’ve done and the other 95% of people that you have helped along the way.

  20. Linda Peterson Says:

    Alan’s an HR 🦸🏾‍♂️…..he’s been there, done that, got EVERY T-Shirt/Scar AND tells it like it IS!

  21. Chantal Kemp Says:

    Hi Alan

    Being an HR Professional isn’t always about the amount of degrees you have but if you are passionate about people. People can make or break your HR career. Don’t take thing personally and always listen to your people even if it’s gone lunchtime. If you are genuinely passionate about people, they will come to you in their darkest hour.

  22. Abolaji Shote Says:

    This captures all I say about being in HR . I had a Supervisor that used to tell me HR was not for nice people and I completely agree with him . I call it a lonely Career. It takes a whole of Mental Strength to keep delivering results in HR . I recommend this for all HR Professionals especially those who are new in the profession . It would help them as they progress in the HR Career .
    Thank you for doing great justice

  23. Melody Says:

    Great stuff, always check on your posts.

  24. Alan Says:

    Thanks Melody, appreciate the feedback.

  25. Faith Wanjiru Says:

    Great article….hard facts

  26. MzBailey Says:

    No lies!….It is what it is…

  27. Chisomo Gren Mazangwira Says:

    Wauuu! This is exactly what I’m going through as an HR professional. I have made up my mind to always do things right and not aiming at making people happy!

  28. Angelo Nahimana Says:

    Pure realities that HR professionals go through every day!

  29. Godana Says:

    Truly, it’s a great article. Dealing with humans is so difficult, trying to make everyone happy is more difficult and managing every interest is exhaustive… Emotional intelligence 👌

  30. Patrick Tumaina Says:

    This is one of the best articles that I have ever read.Trying to please everyone is very difficult.The HR should play his role and responsibilities by fulfilling the company targets for its growth.

  31. Liz Magomba Says:

    I needed to hear this today.

  32. María Hoyo Says:

    So Good And Pressure Information, Thanks Everybody